April 19th, I read Matthew 6:19-21
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
I have this fear, of growing older and finding that I will die alone. That I will not have a family of my own. That I will remain unloved. That I will never find the person I know in my heart God has for me.
I try, ever so hard, to please God; to do all the right things; to give myself to His mission – hoping that He will see me as right, and give me the treasure of a relationship. That He will see all that I have done and finally deem me lovable. Then after I am burned out; after I have realized that all the effort is still not bringing me closer to love – I give up.
It’s like, I hurt myself (disclaimer=I mean spiritually) hoping that will hurt God. I stop spending time with Him. I seek out ways to pull myself into the darkness of this world. Then Gods love beckons me back. I know I hurt Him…but really I want to hurt myself. I want to punish myself, because I believe I am not good enough. But God is just so wonderful. I think He see that when I act out; that when I do things against Him; He knows I am doing it, because I am trying to hurt myself.
He still loves me and I just don’t understand. I know Grace…but I don’t believe it. I don’t believe I deserve grace.
He tells me not to store up treasures here. I guess I am storing up plenty of different versions of treasures. Negative and Positive. I try to store up the treasure of a loving Christian husband. I try to store up the treasure of a family.
I try to store up riches of productivity of hard work. Hoping that hard work will please God and make me deserving. Negatives….in some way I am treasuring my insecurity. I hold it so close. Why can’t I just give it to God? It is my insecurities that make me lash out. Those lies the devil feeds me makes me do things that hurt myself.
My heart is not focused on God. That is the simple truth. I want it to be, but the world is loud. Why can’t God be louder. Why do I have to search for the gentle whisper. Why can’t He be loud for me? I know I need to focus on God then my heart will be made right.
If you read this, I thank you for taking a good look at the honesty of my broken heart. Did you know God that sees the broken? That give me hope that He still sees me. I love my God, our God, so much. You don’t understand how much I love Him. But, I just don’t think I deserve His love.
submitted by Natasha