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Random funny stuff

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Bengalcat:
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.


Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

    * If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
    * If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
    * If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
    * If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want.
      Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    * If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be
      transferred to the mother ship.
    * If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small
      voice will tell you which number to press.
    * If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number
      you press - no-one will answer.
    * If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
    * If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with 
      the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
    * If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address,
      phone number, date of birth, social security number,
      and your mother's maiden name.
    * If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
    * If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
    * If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
      If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
    * If you have low self esteem: Please hang up.
      All our operators are too busy to talk to you

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Church Bulletin Bloopers

    * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    * The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
    * Evening massage - 6 p.m.
    * The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
      for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
    * The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
    * Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
    * Ushers will eat latecomers.
    * The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
    * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    * The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
    * The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
    * During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs
      supplied our pulpit.
    * Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on
      "It's a Terrible Experience."
    * Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
    * Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
    * The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the
      300th anniversary of his birth.
    * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    * The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
      The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    * The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter,
      who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
    * 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.
      Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
    * A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
    * Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
    * Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
    * Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
    * Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
    * On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
    * Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
    * Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
    * The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
    * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


Business Slogans
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Alternate Words & Letters
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings
for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:

   1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
   2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
   3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
   4. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
   5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
   6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
   7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash
   8. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver
   9. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon
  10. Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up if you've been run over by a steamroller
  11. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
  12. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
  13. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood
  14. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
  16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  17. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there

The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

   1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it
   2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
   4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
   5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
   6. Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes
   7. Glibido: All talk and no action.
   8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
   9. Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
  10. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


50 Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired



This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose,
2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course,
is not a race at all.

Things My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Asearch4peace:
Cat!!!
LMBO way too funny....Wow did I need some of these pick-me-ups...where did you get all of them?
Karin

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